Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
