I just made out with a guy for $7.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
