So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
