All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
