so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
