Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
