She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
