Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Your cock deserves a montage
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
