If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
