1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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