i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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