my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
