Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
