Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
