There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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