I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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