Umm I'm too high to move.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
