Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
