Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
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