it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
