Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
