omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
COCAINE IS GR8
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
