1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
