Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
