Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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