we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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