So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
