If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
