***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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