we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
