Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
