from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
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I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
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Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.