You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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