Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Michael Bay diarrhea
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
