Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
