when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
