Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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