Just fell off a train. Bad.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
