just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If I die, sorry about rent.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
