i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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