I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
