I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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