i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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