So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
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i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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