I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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