take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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