woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
