we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
