Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
