I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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