Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
