How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i barfeds in our rink
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
