You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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