The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
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Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
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I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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