So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
did you just send me my own nude
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
