I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
