STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
